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@ -13,20 +13,20 @@ Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
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(2) Nothing is always.
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(3) Everything is sometimes.
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%
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1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
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1.80 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
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the law!
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%
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10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
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%
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100 buckets of bits on the bus
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100 buckets of bits on the bus
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100 buckets of bits
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Take one down, short it to ground
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FF buckets of bits on the bus
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FF buckets of bits on the bus
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FF buckets of bits on the bus
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FF buckets of bits on the bus
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FF buckets of bits
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Take one down, short it to ground
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FE buckets of bits on the bus
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FE buckets of bits on the bus
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ad infinitum...
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%
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@ -65,7 +65,7 @@ simulation!
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%
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3 syncs represent the trinity -- init, the child and the eternal zombie
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process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such
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traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find
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traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find
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ourselves in.
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-- Jordan K. Hubbard
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%
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@ -123,8 +123,7 @@ placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or
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rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results
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from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball
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and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the
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ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical
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phenomena.
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ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical phenomena.
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-- Donald A. Metz
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%
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A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
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@ -283,7 +282,7 @@ favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
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facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
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-- H. L. Mencken
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%
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A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
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A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
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ducks.
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-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
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%
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@ -323,7 +322,7 @@ M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of ennui.
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O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
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Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
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S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
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U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
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U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
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W is for Winnie, embedded in ice, X is for Xerxes, devoured by mice.
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Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
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-- Edward Gorey "The Gashlycrumb Tinies"
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@ -349,6 +348,7 @@ The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
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%
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A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
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not worth knowing.
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-- Alan Perlis
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%
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A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program
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in than some that do.
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@ -521,7 +521,7 @@ A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
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%
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A pig is a jolly companion,
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Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
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A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
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A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
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Though mountains may topple and tilt.
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When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
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When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
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@ -968,7 +968,7 @@ to commit.
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%
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Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
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%
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Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
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Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
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there's the rub.
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For all dreams are not equal,
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@ -1489,6 +1489,7 @@ Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
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%
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Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
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demo.
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-- Andy Finkel, Commodore-Amiga Inc.
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%
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Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
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-- Arthur C. Clarke
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@ -1980,7 +1981,7 @@ lpr why
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santa claus <north pole >town
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cat /etc/passwd >list
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ncheck list
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ncheck list
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ncheck list
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|
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
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cat list | grep nice >giftlist
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@ -2088,7 +2089,7 @@ vividly manifests their lack of progress.
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|
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
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%
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BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
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BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
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%
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Boob's Law:
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You always find something in the last place you look.
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@ -2659,7 +2660,7 @@ Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
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Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong.
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-- Blair Houghton
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%
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Coincidence, n.:
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Coincidence, n.:
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|
You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
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going on.
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%
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@ -2824,7 +2825,7 @@ Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
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|
wish you weren't.
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%
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Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.
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|
-- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
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|
-- Daffy Duck, "Ali Baba Bunny", [1957, Chuck Jones]
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%
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|
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
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give it back to them.
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@ -2968,10 +2969,10 @@ Answer: Yes.
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|
Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
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Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business
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signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a
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signs to alert the reader that an "S" is coming up at the end of a
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word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
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|
ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when
|
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|
creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put
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|
creating hand-lettered small-business signs is that you should put
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quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT
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|
DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
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|
|
-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
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@ -3031,7 +3032,7 @@ come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear
|
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|
|
-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
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|
%
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|
|
#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
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|
#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
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|
#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
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|
|
- (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
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|
- (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
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@ -3058,7 +3059,7 @@ Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
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|
Demand the establishment of the government
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|
in its rightful home at Disneyland.
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%
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|
Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
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|
Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than
|
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|
we deserve.
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|
-- George Bernard Shaw
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%
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@ -3096,7 +3097,7 @@ Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy.
|
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|
since withdrawn.
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%
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|
Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
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|
board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
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|
board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
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%
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|
Dentist, n.:
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|
A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
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|
@ -3350,7 +3351,7 @@ W. C.: It's almost impossible.
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|
E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
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%
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|
Double Bucky
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|
(Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
|
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|
(Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
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Double bucky, you're the one!
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|
You make my keyboard lots of fun
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@ -3362,7 +3363,7 @@ Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
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Oh, I sure wish that I,
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|
Had a couple of bits more!
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|
Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
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|
Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
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Double bucky, left and right
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|
OR'd together, outta sight!
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|
@ -3489,7 +3490,7 @@ people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
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|
comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
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the "nog" comes from.
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|
To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
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|
To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in
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|
|
season, eggs...
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%
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|
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
|
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|
@ -3521,7 +3522,7 @@ All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
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|
Hacker MacKensie
|
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|
|
Writing the code for a program that no one will run
|
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|
It's nearly done
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|
It's nearly done
|
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|
Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's nobody there.
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|
What does he care?
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@ -4701,7 +4702,7 @@ God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
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%
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|
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
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%
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|
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
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|
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
|
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|
-- Mark Twain
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%
|
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|
|
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
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|
@ -5045,7 +5046,7 @@ I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container
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|
filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite
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|
sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in
|
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|
|
their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or
|
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|
|
mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why
|
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|
mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything, which is why
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|
they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week.
|
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|
|
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
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%
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|
@ -5271,11 +5272,11 @@ motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"
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Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
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|
Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
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|
Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
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|
Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
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|
Weil es uns duenkt, er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
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|
We buried him today because
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|
As far as we can tell, he's dead.
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|
|
-- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
|
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|
Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
|
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|
|
-- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty-Sue
|
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|
|
Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
|
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|
|
|
"The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
|
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|
%
|
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|
|
Higgledy Piggledy,
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|
@ -5345,7 +5346,7 @@ because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
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|
|
object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
|
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|
|
Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
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|
broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
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|
a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
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|
a replacement. The employee, who has never in his life even seen the
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|
|
inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
|
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|
|
|
same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
|
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|
|
an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
|
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|
@ -5418,7 +5419,7 @@ Tear their clothes to rags.
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|
|
How I love to watch the morn,
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|
With golden sun that shines,
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|
Up above to nicely warm
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|
These frosty toes of mine.
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|
These frosty toes of mine.
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|
The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,
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|
Like Jaspar wine and sugar,
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|
@ -5459,8 +5460,8 @@ back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another
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|
|
cheese!" and so on.
|
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|
|
-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
|
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|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
|
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|
|
3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand,
|
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|
|
How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
|
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|
|
3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand,
|
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|
|
who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
|
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|
|
nanocentury.
|
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|
|
-- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
|
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|
|
@ -5844,7 +5845,7 @@ And think of the places my get-up has been.
|
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|
|
-- Pete Seeger
|
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|
%
|
|
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|
|
I had this sudden vision of a klein pizza containing all the mozarella
|
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|
in the world.
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|
in the world.
|
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|
|
-- Peter da Silva
|
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|
%
|
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|
|
I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
|
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|
@ -5892,7 +5893,7 @@ of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry.
|
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|
%
|
|
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|
|
I have learned
|
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|
|
To spell hors d'oeuvres
|
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|
|
Which still grates on
|
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|
|
Which still grates on
|
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|
|
Some people's n'oeuvres.
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|
|
-- Warren Knox
|
|
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|
|
%
|
|
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|
|
@ -6232,7 +6233,7 @@ the point where it would not run at all.
|
|
|
|
|
Holes and the Fate of Stars"
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
|
|
|
|
|
questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
|
|
|
|
|
questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
|
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|
|
|
speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
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He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
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@ -6904,6 +6905,10 @@ If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
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payments.
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-- Earl Wilson
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%
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|
If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you
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don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology.
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-- Bruce Schneier
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%
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If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
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-- Arthur Kasspe
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%
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@ -6913,7 +6918,7 @@ shopping center in the world?
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%
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|
If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would
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be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call
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you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw
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you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw
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another party next year.
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What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up
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|
@ -7023,7 +7028,7 @@ Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
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|
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
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|
usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
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|
thinks of complaining.
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|
-- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
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-- Jef Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
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%
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|
Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
|
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|
a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
|
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|
@ -7278,7 +7283,7 @@ from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.
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|
... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such
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|
wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of
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|
fact.
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|
-- Mark Twain
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-- Mark Twain
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%
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|
In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
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|
drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
|
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|
@ -7292,7 +7297,7 @@ my advice.
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|
In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
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|
the supervision of a licensed engineer.
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|
%
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|
In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
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|
In West Union, Ohio, no married man can go flying without his spouse
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along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
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%
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|
Incumbent, n.:
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|
@ -7453,17 +7458,19 @@ sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
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|
-- Voltaire
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%
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|
|
It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
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|
they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
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|
|
that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
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|
much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
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|
|
had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But
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|
|
conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
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|
|
intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
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|
|
they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always
|
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|
|
|
assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had
|
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|
|
|
achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- whilst
|
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|
|
|
all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having
|
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|
|
a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that
|
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|
|
they were far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same
|
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|
|
reasons.
|
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|
Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
|
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|
|
destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
|
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|
|
alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
|
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|
|
destruction of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to alert
|
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|
|
|
mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
|
|
|
|
|
misinterpreted ...
|
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|
|
|
|
|
|
|
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
|
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|
%
|
|
|
|
|
It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
|
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|
|
@ -7881,7 +7888,7 @@ get a prompt, type like hell.
|
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%
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|
|
Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
|
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|
|
|
immune to bullets.
|
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|
|
|
-- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
|
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|
|
-- The Brigadier, "Dr. Who"
|
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|
%
|
|
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|
|
Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
|
|
|
|
|
of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?
|
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|
|
|
@ -7971,7 +7978,7 @@ teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
|
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|
|
-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
|
|
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|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Kin, n.:
|
|
|
|
|
An affliction of the blood
|
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|
|
|
An affliction of the blood.
|
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|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Kinkler's First Law:
|
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|
|
Responsibility always exceeds authority.
|
|
|
|
|
@ -8063,7 +8070,7 @@ Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
|
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|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
|
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|
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|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
|
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|
|
Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
|
|
|
|
|
-- Victor Borge
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Law of Communications:
|
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|
|
@ -8364,7 +8371,7 @@ Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
|
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|
|
|
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
|
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|
|
|
-- Ogden Nash
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with
|
|
|
|
|
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with
|
|
|
|
|
the ideal never goes unpunished.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
@ -8382,11 +8389,11 @@ Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.
|
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|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Love's Drug
|
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|
|
My love is like an iron wand
|
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|
|
My love is like an iron wand
|
|
|
|
|
That conks me on the head,
|
|
|
|
|
My love is like the valium
|
|
|
|
|
My love is like the valium
|
|
|
|
|
That I take before my bed,
|
|
|
|
|
My love is like the pint of scotch
|
|
|
|
|
My love is like the pint of scotch
|
|
|
|
|
That I drink when I be dry;
|
|
|
|
|
And I shall love thee still, my dear,
|
|
|
|
|
Until my wife is wise.
|
|
|
|
|
@ -8498,7 +8505,7 @@ the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
|
|
|
|
|
Malek's Law:
|
|
|
|
|
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Man 1: Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good
|
|
|
|
|
Man 1: Ask me what the most important thing about telling a good
|
|
|
|
|
joke is.
|
|
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|
|
|
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|
|
|
Man 2: OK, what is the most impo --
|
|
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|
|
@ -8556,7 +8563,7 @@ given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The
|
|
|
|
|
information you need is in the others.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Ray Simard
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
|
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|
|
|
Many years ago in a period commonly known as Next Friday Afternoon,
|
|
|
|
|
there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
|
|
|
|
|
was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
|
|
|
|
|
completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ...
|
|
|
|
|
@ -8663,7 +8670,7 @@ Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
|
|
|
|
|
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
|
|
|
|
|
Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
|
|
|
|
|
is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
|
|
|
|
|
never hope to acquire it.
|
|
|
|
|
ever hope to acquire it.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Menu, n.:
|
|
|
|
|
A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
|
|
|
|
|
@ -9478,7 +9485,7 @@ direct sunlight.
|
|
|
|
|
Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Karl Lehenbauer
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
|
|
|
|
|
Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
|
|
|
|
|
normal routines, for children and adults alike.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack"
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
@ -10048,7 +10055,7 @@ Parker's Law:
|
|
|
|
|
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Parkinson's Fifth Law:
|
|
|
|
|
If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
|
|
|
|
|
If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good
|
|
|
|
|
bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Parkinson's Fourth Law:
|
|
|
|
|
@ -10437,7 +10444,7 @@ Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
|
|
|
|
|
(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
|
|
|
|
|
(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
|
|
|
|
|
legs for a horse.
|
|
|
|
|
(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
|
|
|
|
|
(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
|
|
|
|
|
(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by:
|
|
|
|
|
@ -10491,11 +10498,11 @@ POPI Punch Operator Immediately
|
|
|
|
|
PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
|
|
|
|
|
RASC Read And Shred Card
|
|
|
|
|
RPM Read Programmers Mind
|
|
|
|
|
RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy)
|
|
|
|
|
RTAB Rewind tape and break
|
|
|
|
|
RWDSK rewind disk
|
|
|
|
|
RSSC Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy)
|
|
|
|
|
RTAB Rewind Tape and Break
|
|
|
|
|
RWDSK Rewind Disk
|
|
|
|
|
RWOC Read Writing On Card
|
|
|
|
|
SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write
|
|
|
|
|
SCRBL Scribble to disk - faster than a write
|
|
|
|
|
SLC Search for Lost Chord
|
|
|
|
|
SPSW Scramble Program Status Word
|
|
|
|
|
SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk
|
|
|
|
|
@ -10648,13 +10655,13 @@ Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
|
|
|
|
|
Quidquid latine dictum est, altum videtur.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Quigley's Law:
|
|
|
|
|
Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will
|
|
|
|
|
atttempt to use it.
|
|
|
|
|
attempt to use it.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
QUOTE OF THE DAY:
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
@ -10909,7 +10916,7 @@ tempest of words.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
|
|
|
|
|
the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can
|
|
|
|
|
carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
|
|
|
|
|
@ -11716,7 +11723,7 @@ Stult's Report:
|
|
|
|
|
Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is
|
|
|
|
|
fight the solutions.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Stupid, n.:
|
|
|
|
|
Stupid, adj.:
|
|
|
|
|
Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
|
|
|
|
|
@ -11972,7 +11979,7 @@ The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
|
|
|
|
|
-- Thomas Jefferson
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
The Advertising Agency Song:
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
When your client's hopping mad,
|
|
|
|
|
Put his picture in the ad.
|
|
|
|
|
If he still should prove refractory,
|
|
|
|
|
@ -12047,7 +12054,7 @@ Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
|
|
|
|
|
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
|
|
|
|
|
but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
|
|
|
|
|
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
|
|
|
|
|
-- W. C. Fields
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
|
|
|
|
|
@ -13145,9 +13152,9 @@ The scum also rises.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
|
|
|
|
|
respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones
|
|
|
|
|
from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
|
|
|
|
|
milestones are lifted.
|
|
|
|
|
respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven millstones
|
|
|
|
|
from Man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
|
|
|
|
|
millstones are lifted.
|
|
|
|
|
-- George Bernard Shaw
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
|
|
|
|
|
@ -13210,11 +13217,11 @@ something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
|
|
|
|
|
the Russians.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
The STAR WARS Song
|
|
|
|
|
"Yoda", by "Weird Al" Yankovic;
|
|
|
|
|
Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
|
|
|
|
|
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
|
|
|
|
|
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda
|
|
|
|
|
S-O-D-A soda
|
|
|
|
|
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
|
|
|
|
|
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
|
|
|
|
|
@ -13481,7 +13488,7 @@ and praiseworthy ...
|
|
|
|
|
There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own
|
|
|
|
|
cats.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis
|
|
|
|
|
There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axes
|
|
|
|
|
are chosen correctly.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
There are no games on this system.
|
|
|
|
|
@ -13626,11 +13633,6 @@ tied during the month of April.
|
|
|
|
|
There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Walt Disney
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor,
|
|
|
|
|
Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and
|
|
|
|
|
love of the Fatherland.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Adolf Hitler
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
|
|
|
|
|
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
|
|
|
|
|
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
|
|
|
|
|
@ -13841,7 +13843,7 @@ except my father who wears red suspenders."
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need,
|
|
|
|
|
This fortune cookie program is out of order. For those in desperate need,
|
|
|
|
|
please use the program "________randchar". This program generates random
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characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
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something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be
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@ -14192,7 +14194,7 @@ And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
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-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
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%
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Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
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cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
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cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
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spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog.
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-- Bob & Ray
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%
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@ -14228,15 +14230,15 @@ Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:
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8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
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7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
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Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
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assurance people in its wake.
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assurance people in its wake.
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6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'
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- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
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- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
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5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
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4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
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3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features
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are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
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2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
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original Klingon.
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original Klingon.
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1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it!
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Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
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%
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@ -14253,7 +14255,7 @@ Follow these simple suggestions:
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(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
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(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
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curling.
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(4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead.
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(4) Avoid showers ... take baths instead.
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(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
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pile.
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(6) Stop flipping pancakes
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@ -15200,8 +15202,8 @@ to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively.
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In a way, the next move is up to him.
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-- R. A. Lafferty
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%
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When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."
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-- Winston Churchill, On formal declarations of war
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When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
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-- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war
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%
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When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
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asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
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@ -15448,7 +15450,7 @@ Wit, n.:
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%
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With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
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try to be a fraud and a half.
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-- Otto von Bismark
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-- Otto von Bismarck
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%
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With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
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-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
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@ -15609,7 +15611,7 @@ will notice.
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%
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You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
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%
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You are here:
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You are here:
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***
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***
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*********
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@ -15620,6 +15622,9 @@ You are here:
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|
But you're not all there.
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%
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You are not illiterate.
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|
-- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
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%
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|
"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
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|
"All your papers these days look the same;
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|
Those William's would be better unread --
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|
@ -15726,7 +15731,7 @@ pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
|
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|
safety glasses.
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|
-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
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%
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|
You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
|
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|
You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
|
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|
|
doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
|
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|
|
-- Hepler, Systems Design 182
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%
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|
@ -15955,7 +15960,7 @@ another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
|
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|
|
another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
|
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|
|
such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In
|
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|
|
many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
|
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|
|
If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you
|
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|
If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you
|
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|
|
should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
|
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|
|
for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
|
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|
because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
|
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|
@ -16110,10 +16115,10 @@ The whole room was cluttered An ant passing by,
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|
With memory-dumps, punch cards. Saluted his tombstone,
|
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|
|
"I'm close," he muttered. And whispered, "Nice try."
|
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|
|
The mumbling got louder,
|
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|
|
Simple deduction,
|
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|
|
"I've got it, it's right,
|
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|
|
Just change one instruction."
|
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|
|
The mumbling got louder,
|
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|
|
Simple deduction,
|
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|
|
|
"I've got it, it's right,
|
|
|
|
|
Just change one instruction."
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Speaking of the philosophy involved in moving humanity into space:
|
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|
|
|
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|
|
@ -16139,7 +16144,7 @@ down to enshrine some underwear. This, my friends, is no way to run a planet.
|
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|
%
|
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|
|
Nearly every software professional has heard the term spaghetti code as a
|
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|
|
|
pejorative description for complicated, difficult to understand, and impossible
|
|
|
|
|
to maintain, software. However, many people may not know the other two
|
|
|
|
|
to maintain, software. However, many people may not know the other two
|
|
|
|
|
elements of the complete Pasta Theory of Software.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Lasagna code is used to describe software that has a simple, understandable,
|
|
|
|
|
@ -16148,7 +16153,7 @@ monolithic and not easy to modify. An attempt to change one layer conceptually
|
|
|
|
|
simple, is often very difficult in actual practice.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
The ideal software structure is one having components that are small and
|
|
|
|
|
loosely coupled; this ideal structure is called ravioli code. In ravioli
|
|
|
|
|
loosely coupled; this ideal structure is called ravioli code. In ravioli
|
|
|
|
|
code, each of the components, or objects, is a package containing some meat
|
|
|
|
|
or other nourishment for the system; any component can be modified or replaced
|
|
|
|
|
without significantly affecting other components.
|
|
|
|
|
@ -16158,6 +16163,144 @@ encouragement of ravioli code.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Raymond J. Rubey, in a letter to the editor of Crosstalk
|
|
|
|
|
magazine
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
63,000 bugs in the code, 63,000 bugs,
|
|
|
|
|
ya get 1 whacked with a service pack,
|
|
|
|
|
63,000 bugs in the code, 63,000 bugs,
|
|
|
|
|
ya get 1 whacked with a service pack,
|
|
|
|
|
now there's 63,005 bugs in the code!!
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
"It's not very common in Crowthorne"
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
1) Don't expect fairings.
|
|
|
|
|
2) If confused read #1.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Cheer up. You could have all the problems you have now, and then also
|
|
|
|
|
be named Eustace Clarence Scrubb.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Never leave a macassar and an antimacassar in the same room together.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Why did the furry install Unix? Because it supports catman(8).
|
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|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Many people don't realize that trailhead doggerel is illegal -- but
|
|
|
|
|
surely you've heard of "hike rhymes and misdemeanors"...
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
We all know political bumper stickers and some of us even put them on
|
|
|
|
|
our cars. However, if you show up at headquarters on Friday afternoon
|
|
|
|
|
after a long campaign week, you're more likely to see a stumper
|
|
|
|
|
bicker.
|
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|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
When you're under siege by a winter storm, that's a "frontal assault".
|
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|
|
%
|
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|
|
|
Somebody has mail.
|
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|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
'Agnosis' is when you don't know. 'Diagnosis' is when you don't know
|
|
|
|
|
twice.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
An assortment of ways to be assimilated is a "smorgasborg".
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
The Navy's forever doomed to be inefficient because it's always trying
|
|
|
|
|
to do things in a sub-optimal manner.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Q. What do you do if you find an abomination rooted in and need a
|
|
|
|
|
druid in a hurry?
|
|
|
|
|
A. Call the copse.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
A truly great library contains something in it to offend everyone.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Jo Godwin
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Give a man a 0day and he'll have access for a day, teach a man to phish
|
|
|
|
|
and he'll have access for life.
|
|
|
|
|
-- the grugq
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Information wants to be free and also extremely difficult to use.
|
|
|
|
|
-- An ancient open source proverb
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Mitch Hedberg
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
You, the Poles, have a funny nature. When the people going along the
|
|
|
|
|
road are attacked by a dog with its insistent and noisy barking, you
|
|
|
|
|
immediately feel like jumping off the vehicle, standing on all fours
|
|
|
|
|
and starting to bark back at it. We, in the Vilnius region, let the
|
|
|
|
|
dog bark because that is what its canine nature is like but we do not
|
|
|
|
|
stop our journey because of its barking, and without any war
|
|
|
|
|
against dogs we calmly continue our journey until we reach our
|
|
|
|
|
destination. It seems that you care more about barking than the dog
|
|
|
|
|
does, and more about winning the war with any lousy puppy than about
|
|
|
|
|
reaching the destination quickly.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Jozef Pilsudski
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
[NeXT] attracted the strangest kind of hybrid, which was sort of like...
|
|
|
|
|
Unix weenies by Armani.
|
|
|
|
|
-- John Perry Barlow
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you
|
|
|
|
|
and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friend, future
|
|
|
|
|
events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the
|
|
|
|
|
unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable. That is why you are here.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Criswell Predicts, "Plan 9 From Outer Space"
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Rule 1 of cryptanalysis: check for plaintext.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Bob Morris, Crypto '95
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Remember kids, the only difference between Science and screwing around is
|
|
|
|
|
writing it down.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Adam Savage
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
THE PURPLE COW Confession: and a Portrait, Too,
|
|
|
|
|
Reflections on a Mythic Beast, Upon a Background that I Rue!
|
|
|
|
|
Who's Quite Remarkable, at Least.
|
|
|
|
|
Ah, yes! I wrote the "Purple Cow"--
|
|
|
|
|
I never saw a Purple Cow; I'm sorry, now, I wrote it!
|
|
|
|
|
I never hope to see one; But I can tell you, anyhow,
|
|
|
|
|
But I can tell you, anyhow, I'll kill you if you quote it!
|
|
|
|
|
I'd rather see than be one. -- Gelett Burgess
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations which we
|
|
|
|
|
can perform without thinking about them.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Alfred North Whitehead, An Introduction to Mathematics (1911)
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
I'm going to a commune in Vermont and will deal with no unit of time shorter
|
|
|
|
|
than a season.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Josh Rosen
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Computers for the brasses -- art for the masses.
|
|
|
|
|
-- J.C.R. Licklider
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
If, in your office, you as an intellectual worker were supplied with a
|
|
|
|
|
computer display backed up by a computer that was alive for you all day, and
|
|
|
|
|
that was instantly responsive to every action you had, how much value could
|
|
|
|
|
you derive from that?
|
|
|
|
|
-- Douglas Engelbart, Fall Joint Computer Conference,
|
|
|
|
|
December 9th, 1968
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
They made me do it
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
It was the first thing that I formed a really powerful bond with.
|
|
|
|
|
It was some sort of mental love missile and I just lit the touch paper and
|
|
|
|
|
fired myself into it, at oblivious speed, and it exploded, and sparkled and it
|
|
|
|
|
was totally beautiful.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Chris Packham and the kestrel
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Austerity is the idea that the global financial crash of 2008 was caused by
|
|
|
|
|
there being too many libraries in Wolverhampton.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Alexei Sayle
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
I wonder why. I wonder why.
|
|
|
|
|
I wonder why I wonder.
|
|
|
|
|
I wonder why I wonder why
|
|
|
|
|
I wonder why I wonder!
|
|
|
|
|
-- Richard P. Feynman, "Always Trying to Escape"
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Fanfare, n.:
|
|
|
|
|
The food available for consumption at a con.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Fail we may, sail we must
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Don't shout at your JBODs, they don't like it!
|
|
|
|
|
-- Brendan Gregg, "Shouting in the Datacenter"
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Bell has two patents on UNIX
|
|
|
|
|
a) set-user-id bit
|
|
|
|
|
b) on "typo" !
|
|
|
|
|
-- John Lions, Australian UNIX Users Group Newsletter, Oct 1978
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
The purpose of computing numbers is not yet in sight
|
|
|
|
|
|
Sevan Janiyan